But If they come back, it's a true love "
I believe in that words. Well i hope he would come back to me. Sigh. I know you guys must probably don't know me. I'm nobody anyway :) I'm here to express what I felt. I've been keeping this thing in my heart for almost 2 weeks now. And it's killing me.
It's been almost 2 weeks now. Without him in my life. Yes I know I'm stupid for still believing that he's the one for me when he doesn't even think of the same thing. I'm no one for him. I used to be his life, I used to be his gf, I used to be his wife, future wife, I used to be his another half, I used to be his everything. But now everything is different. I've been replaced by this one girl that he just know less than a month. " What does she have that I don't? " this question kept on repeating in my head. Haha. Yeah, pathetic. I know :)
I haven't cried for 1 week plus now. Yeah great, I'm strong right? Well guess what? While I'm typing this, my tears is rolling down. Sigh, I guess I'm not that strong after all. Heh. How can it be if before this I've always depending on my 4years ex bf? Gosh, I can't believe that he's my ex now. Never once in my mind I think of him as my ex. I've always always picture him as my future husband. The guy that I will marry to someday. Yes, until now. I know, silly me. Great.
I haven't eaten healthy foods these few weeks. I did not even touch rice. It's not that I don't want to eat, I can't. When I look at foods, I feel like vomiting. I've been kept what I felt to myself. I did not tell anyone. I've been pretending all this while. The truth is, I missed him so much. When I'm happy, I'll think of him. When I'm sad, I'll think of him. When I'm lonely, I'll think of him. Why must I think of someone who is currently happy with someone else? I heard almost every night he will call her. Everyday they will go out together. Everyday they will laugh and smile to each other. While me? He's totally ignored. Why must he hates me so much? Where did I go wrong? Where? Tell me. I'll improve myself. Aahhhhhh. Stop it, while I'm typing this, he's probably laughing with that girl, happy voice, happy moments.
People come and go, yes I know that. But when the feelings of love is fading away, there's always a way to make it back again. You just have to open your heart again, and believes in your heart that it will come back, and soon, it WILL come back. If you kept on saying NO, yes, it wont come back. I still remember the last day we met, he bought his fav soya bean milk, I was in the car alone. I talked to myself. " .. No it can't be. It can't end this way. It can't be this way.. " But I know there's nothing that I can do to stop him. It's his choice. I obey to it.
What will you guys do if someone that you love, yelled to you to back off and just go away from his/her life? What will you guys do if they said '' I choose her/him, not you! '' ? It hurts right? Herm. Yes people, he choose the girl instead of me. I know, I am so pathetic. I'd give him freedom. I'd sacrifice things when I told him it's okay to smoke, even though he knew that I have bad experience about cigarettes. But for him, I'd sacrifice. But still, it's not enough. He wants more. He wants to be single. But then, what's the real meaning of single if he's aiming for the next girl? I don't know why his love for me can be fades away so easily. This 4 loving years has already disappeared since 07th feb 2009. This date I shall remember always.
Today, I woke up with a big headache in my head. I took 4 pndls on monday, the next day I took another 4, after that I took 6, then 2, and today, I haven't taken pndls yet. Well, later maybe. The headache seems not going to be fade away. Plus, I have to talk to the freaking customers that always always always put me on the high level of stress. I think someday I WILL faint and get a brain tumor. Lol. You know what I really wish for now? I wish someday, some car will hit me and put me in ICU, comma, and the next day when I wake up, I can't remember anything. Even myself. That's cool hah? I wont remember anything including him. Then only I can be happy :")
Just now while I've waited for my neighbour, I stood in front of his fav soya bean milk stall. My eyes suddenly get watery. Haha. Yes, I think of him. When I get into the car, I look at outside. " .. This road, I still remember, when we both don't know where to go, he will drive everywhere til' we get hungry and buy ourselves a burger and eat at our fav park. But now, he's with someone else. And he's not even think of me. I'm nothing .. ". Yes, I'm crying now. I can't really think of what will happen next. Will he find me back? Will he just go and don't bother to be friends with me back? I'm clueless. Somehow, I miss his car.
Can someone come to me and say '' Everything will be okay, he will come back to you. Someday '' ? I don't know. I'm stupid. When I told people I missed him, they will get angry and ask me to forget him. I've TRIED! I CAN'T! I tried to hate him, seriously I do. But I can't. Maybe it's because I don't even plan to. Even he did me wrong, I don't blame him. He's not being himself now. I know him well, he's not being himself now. He can't think well now. It's okay, I'll wait for the day, when he will stand in front of my door, with flowers, and asking me to be his friend again. Haha. Okay okay, silly meeeeeeeee ;)) Stop daydream lah!
Have you heard about the flirty 10.30 at fly fm? Hee, I've always daydreaming that soon I will get calls from them and saying someone is asking me for a date. Wohoooo, and to make it more more happy, it's actually him! Haha :D But I know, it won't happen. He hates me now. You know why? Because my friends called his gf. Seriously I don't have anything to do with that. My friend ask for her number, I said no, I don't wanna make this thing bigger than its already are. They kept on begging me to give until they took my hp and took the numbers by their selves. I've deleted his number, but I forgot to delete his new gf's number. And now, he's hating me because of my friend's fault. See, because of that girl, he can hates me. Great. Sigh.
When I was in the LRT just now, I saw this couple, holding hands, happy. I feel lonely. I missed him so bad. I missed the way he hold my hands. So tight, so warm. When I reach to the next station, I saw another couple, hugging. Well, I missed his hug. His hug where it can make me feel safe. I swear I do. When I reach to the next station, I saw this couple, looks like they just got back from the tuition place, I sighed. I still remember back to 2006, we went to the same tuition places. We was so happy. Shit. Why can't I just roll out and be happy? Why must I suffered this alone?
I still remember the moment where his mom hugged me in the car. I felt welcomed. I felt I already has been accepted in his family. I still remember the moment where my dad told me he loves him. I still remember the moment where he called me just to say he love me. I still remember the moment where we seat in the car, teasing each other. His lips, my nose, my tummy, his teeth. Haha. I missed those moments. I'll pull down the windows if he farted. Even his silent fart, I can detected through my nose. Haha. Funny. I know :')
I admit, there's a guy approaching me to be his gf, but I rejected him. I can't. I still don't feel like having other guys in my life. And yes, there's 2 more guys came in my life. Trying to steal this lonely heart of mine, but still, I can't. There's no one can replace him, for now. But I know she's already replaced me in his heart. Hm :) Next march, it should be our 4 years being as a lover. But it won't happen since there's only me that is still hoping that we will have a chance to make it back on the right track. Why am I still hoping when he's already choose her instead of me? You know what guys? He swears lots of things to me because of her. And I don't know why he can believe on what she said when she told him I told her don't be with him because he's moneyless. Never once in my life, I go and tell people that he got no money and everything. I never ever ever care about the money that I've spent for him. To me, it's worth it as long as he's mine. Cause soon, he will pay me back when we both get married. And for now, I only ask for his loyalty. But then .. it's still not enough.
Guys, call me stupid, call me idiot, call me desperate. He told me once '' I know you're desperate to me, you can't live without me, so you're not a problem ''. OUCH, it's fucking hurt. But still, I don't blame him for saying that to me. I did what he ask me to do, which is don't disturb him and give him space to think. I gave him that. I was hoping if I gave what he ask for, he will at least call me and ask how am I doing. But still, there's no call from him. Even a '' hello '' msg. Yeah la, what for he nak bother about me when he have her in his life. Stupid buffalo la you ni! Oh no, it's not you. I was talking to myself :)
Guys kept on asking me, where's you boyfriend? Why he didn't fetch you? And when I said '' I'm single '', they will shocked. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Is my face showing like I'm taken? Hello! It's already been 2 weeks that I've been single! Haih ;X Well, I don't like being single. It sucks. I prefers to have someone in my life, asking me not to go out, go eat, don't fall for other guy, don't do that, do this for him, blabla². Ahhhhhh I missed him. Bloody hell lah. Haha :)
I missed his face, I missed his voice, I missed his laugh, I missed his smile, I missed his smell. I missed his pretty eyes, I missed his flabby tummy, I missed his big cute teeth, I missed his lips, I missed his hug the most, I miss himself the most. I'm listening to songs right now. And right now, it's samson '' Kenangan terindah '' :') Seriously guys, I'm weak. I'm not that strong. I've failed. I've failed lots of people that has already put high hopes on me that I'm going to be okay. I walk weakly everyday.
I smiled, I laughed, people told me I look cute when I'm smiling <-- ayat poyo la kan? :P . But even though I make myself busy, there's a huge hole in my heart that is missing and cannot be found. He took it from me, and he did not give it back. He's cruel, because he kept it with him. From the way he acted, I know he's fine without me. I know he did not even plan to find me back someday. I know he did not even THINK of me even once. He threw our rings, to make it more worst, he ask the girl to threw it. He changed his bracelet. He changed his necklace. Everything. For her. Why must she came in his life? Why? Am I still the one for him? Absolutely no. Why must I ask something when the answers I already know?
I missed watching him playing footballs, I missed wiping his sweats using my shirt and give him a peck on his cheek. I missed kissing him, I missed hugging him. My heart never stops from beating fast since the day I knew I am going to lose him. I've lost someone whom I love more than myself. I know I don't have looks, I know I'm fat. I'm not perfect, neither you are. But once we was happily together. I know you can find the love that has been missing for now, back. Someday. I believe. But you kept on saying no.
Dear god, please give me strength to face this cruelty of world alone. Even so I need him with all my heart, I can't force him. I'll kept on praying for him to come back, even as a friend. Because I prefer having him as a friend, than just totally lost him. At least I can know he's fine, at least I can know he's already take his meals, and his sinus and everything. Herm. Dah terbiasa risau pasal dia. Even now, I still told my friends, I'm worried about his studies, I'm worried about his health. Dia da la kalau bersin, tak boleh stop. Huhu. See, why lah I should be worried?
Tonight, I'm wearing his shirt. I sleep in my room with his pillow next to me. I haven't hug it since the first day he left. I missed hugging the pillow. But I know, if I hug it, it will feels like I'm hugging him. The real him. God, I missed wearing our rings. I missed everything that can make me feel safe of having him in my life. I missed the feelings of me feeling secured knowing he'll be there when I need someone. I just .. missed him badly.
I don't know the real reasons of this happened. But I hope this is just a test for us before we get back together. See, I'm still hoping he would come back to me. I know it's wrong. Grrrh. Supposedly I go out with this one guy tonight, but I don't feel like meeting anyone but him. My used to be boyfriend. It's okay, I'll keep on praying :) And I love this word so much '' If you believe in something, keep believing, stick to it, it won't let you down ''. Well I hope it wont let me down! I'll wait for the day when he will call me and ask to be my friend. Aku tak berdendam pape pun kat dia. Tah la. I know 100% he's fine without me. Ahhhhhhh fucked up lah.
I took lots of photos yesterday, but I did not know to whom should I give it to. Usually I'll mms to him, but now . . Nevermind. I'll keep it to myself :) Well before I go to bed, I wish him a happy life ahead, and I hope, someday, he will find me back, even though not as a lover, but as a friend. The A - N shall never re-united back, according to his acting of never ever want me back in his life. A - N will only be memories. Well I wish, just a silly wish, A - N can be re-united again. Not now maybe, but someday. Insyallah. I still want to marry him, having kids with him, everything with him. Maybe not now, maybe later. Just maybe, sighed. Or maybe, someday I will say it out loud, I'm going to be fine without him in my life. And yes, maybe that time, I am okay without him in my life. Heh. I don't know. Anyways, thanks for reading this crap guys. And try to listen goodnight by maroon 5. He dedicate that song to me. The only different is, the guy in the video clip, is still with his current gf, but me, my guy left. And go to other girl. How I wish he's doing the same thing like the guy did. Well, I'm off. I'll continue later. Bye.
To the guy whom I used to had but lost to another girl, I love you so much, and I'm not blaming you for doing this to me. I hope someday, you will read this and will find me back, even as a friend. . I'll wait for that day to come. Insyallah.
- Nobody.
Thanks friends for being there when I need him the most. Thanks for all the support. Sorry if I make you guys down. I don't mean it. Blame my heart then.
Warning; It's gonna be a long post.
It's been almost 2 weeks now. Without him in my life. Yes I know I'm stupid for still believing that he's the one for me when he doesn't even think of the same thing. I'm no one for him. I used to be his life, I used to be his gf, I used to be his wife, future wife, I used to be his another half, I used to be his everything. But now everything is different. I've been replaced by this one girl that he just know less than a month. " What does she have that I don't? " this question kept on repeating in my head. Haha. Yeah, pathetic. I know :)
I haven't cried for 1 week plus now. Yeah great, I'm strong right? Well guess what? While I'm typing this, my tears is rolling down. Sigh, I guess I'm not that strong after all. Heh. How can it be if before this I've always depending on my 4years ex bf? Gosh, I can't believe that he's my ex now. Never once in my mind I think of him as my ex. I've always always picture him as my future husband. The guy that I will marry to someday. Yes, until now. I know, silly me. Great.
I haven't eaten healthy foods these few weeks. I did not even touch rice. It's not that I don't want to eat, I can't. When I look at foods, I feel like vomiting. I've been kept what I felt to myself. I did not tell anyone. I've been pretending all this while. The truth is, I missed him so much. When I'm happy, I'll think of him. When I'm sad, I'll think of him. When I'm lonely, I'll think of him. Why must I think of someone who is currently happy with someone else? I heard almost every night he will call her. Everyday they will go out together. Everyday they will laugh and smile to each other. While me? He's totally ignored. Why must he hates me so much? Where did I go wrong? Where? Tell me. I'll improve myself. Aahhhhhh. Stop it, while I'm typing this, he's probably laughing with that girl, happy voice, happy moments.
People come and go, yes I know that. But when the feelings of love is fading away, there's always a way to make it back again. You just have to open your heart again, and believes in your heart that it will come back, and soon, it WILL come back. If you kept on saying NO, yes, it wont come back. I still remember the last day we met, he bought his fav soya bean milk, I was in the car alone. I talked to myself. " .. No it can't be. It can't end this way. It can't be this way.. " But I know there's nothing that I can do to stop him. It's his choice. I obey to it.
What will you guys do if someone that you love, yelled to you to back off and just go away from his/her life? What will you guys do if they said '' I choose her/him, not you! '' ? It hurts right? Herm. Yes people, he choose the girl instead of me. I know, I am so pathetic. I'd give him freedom. I'd sacrifice things when I told him it's okay to smoke, even though he knew that I have bad experience about cigarettes. But for him, I'd sacrifice. But still, it's not enough. He wants more. He wants to be single. But then, what's the real meaning of single if he's aiming for the next girl? I don't know why his love for me can be fades away so easily. This 4 loving years has already disappeared since 07th feb 2009. This date I shall remember always.
Today, I woke up with a big headache in my head. I took 4 pndls on monday, the next day I took another 4, after that I took 6, then 2, and today, I haven't taken pndls yet. Well, later maybe. The headache seems not going to be fade away. Plus, I have to talk to the freaking customers that always always always put me on the high level of stress. I think someday I WILL faint and get a brain tumor. Lol. You know what I really wish for now? I wish someday, some car will hit me and put me in ICU, comma, and the next day when I wake up, I can't remember anything. Even myself. That's cool hah? I wont remember anything including him. Then only I can be happy :")
Just now while I've waited for my neighbour, I stood in front of his fav soya bean milk stall. My eyes suddenly get watery. Haha. Yes, I think of him. When I get into the car, I look at outside. " .. This road, I still remember, when we both don't know where to go, he will drive everywhere til' we get hungry and buy ourselves a burger and eat at our fav park. But now, he's with someone else. And he's not even think of me. I'm nothing .. ". Yes, I'm crying now. I can't really think of what will happen next. Will he find me back? Will he just go and don't bother to be friends with me back? I'm clueless. Somehow, I miss his car.
Can someone come to me and say '' Everything will be okay, he will come back to you. Someday '' ? I don't know. I'm stupid. When I told people I missed him, they will get angry and ask me to forget him. I've TRIED! I CAN'T! I tried to hate him, seriously I do. But I can't. Maybe it's because I don't even plan to. Even he did me wrong, I don't blame him. He's not being himself now. I know him well, he's not being himself now. He can't think well now. It's okay, I'll wait for the day, when he will stand in front of my door, with flowers, and asking me to be his friend again. Haha. Okay okay, silly meeeeeeeee ;)) Stop daydream lah!
Have you heard about the flirty 10.30 at fly fm? Hee, I've always daydreaming that soon I will get calls from them and saying someone is asking me for a date. Wohoooo, and to make it more more happy, it's actually him! Haha :D But I know, it won't happen. He hates me now. You know why? Because my friends called his gf. Seriously I don't have anything to do with that. My friend ask for her number, I said no, I don't wanna make this thing bigger than its already are. They kept on begging me to give until they took my hp and took the numbers by their selves. I've deleted his number, but I forgot to delete his new gf's number. And now, he's hating me because of my friend's fault. See, because of that girl, he can hates me. Great. Sigh.
When I was in the LRT just now, I saw this couple, holding hands, happy. I feel lonely. I missed him so bad. I missed the way he hold my hands. So tight, so warm. When I reach to the next station, I saw another couple, hugging. Well, I missed his hug. His hug where it can make me feel safe. I swear I do. When I reach to the next station, I saw this couple, looks like they just got back from the tuition place, I sighed. I still remember back to 2006, we went to the same tuition places. We was so happy. Shit. Why can't I just roll out and be happy? Why must I suffered this alone?
I still remember the moment where his mom hugged me in the car. I felt welcomed. I felt I already has been accepted in his family. I still remember the moment where my dad told me he loves him. I still remember the moment where he called me just to say he love me. I still remember the moment where we seat in the car, teasing each other. His lips, my nose, my tummy, his teeth. Haha. I missed those moments. I'll pull down the windows if he farted. Even his silent fart, I can detected through my nose. Haha. Funny. I know :')
I admit, there's a guy approaching me to be his gf, but I rejected him. I can't. I still don't feel like having other guys in my life. And yes, there's 2 more guys came in my life. Trying to steal this lonely heart of mine, but still, I can't. There's no one can replace him, for now. But I know she's already replaced me in his heart. Hm :) Next march, it should be our 4 years being as a lover. But it won't happen since there's only me that is still hoping that we will have a chance to make it back on the right track. Why am I still hoping when he's already choose her instead of me? You know what guys? He swears lots of things to me because of her. And I don't know why he can believe on what she said when she told him I told her don't be with him because he's moneyless. Never once in my life, I go and tell people that he got no money and everything. I never ever ever care about the money that I've spent for him. To me, it's worth it as long as he's mine. Cause soon, he will pay me back when we both get married. And for now, I only ask for his loyalty. But then .. it's still not enough.
Guys, call me stupid, call me idiot, call me desperate. He told me once '' I know you're desperate to me, you can't live without me, so you're not a problem ''. OUCH, it's fucking hurt. But still, I don't blame him for saying that to me. I did what he ask me to do, which is don't disturb him and give him space to think. I gave him that. I was hoping if I gave what he ask for, he will at least call me and ask how am I doing. But still, there's no call from him. Even a '' hello '' msg. Yeah la, what for he nak bother about me when he have her in his life. Stupid buffalo la you ni! Oh no, it's not you. I was talking to myself :)
Guys kept on asking me, where's you boyfriend? Why he didn't fetch you? And when I said '' I'm single '', they will shocked. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Is my face showing like I'm taken? Hello! It's already been 2 weeks that I've been single! Haih ;X Well, I don't like being single. It sucks. I prefers to have someone in my life, asking me not to go out, go eat, don't fall for other guy, don't do that, do this for him, blabla². Ahhhhhh I missed him. Bloody hell lah. Haha :)
I missed his face, I missed his voice, I missed his laugh, I missed his smile, I missed his smell. I missed his pretty eyes, I missed his flabby tummy, I missed his big cute teeth, I missed his lips, I missed his hug the most, I miss himself the most. I'm listening to songs right now. And right now, it's samson '' Kenangan terindah '' :') Seriously guys, I'm weak. I'm not that strong. I've failed. I've failed lots of people that has already put high hopes on me that I'm going to be okay. I walk weakly everyday.
I smiled, I laughed, people told me I look cute when I'm smiling <-- ayat poyo la kan? :P . But even though I make myself busy, there's a huge hole in my heart that is missing and cannot be found. He took it from me, and he did not give it back. He's cruel, because he kept it with him. From the way he acted, I know he's fine without me. I know he did not even plan to find me back someday. I know he did not even THINK of me even once. He threw our rings, to make it more worst, he ask the girl to threw it. He changed his bracelet. He changed his necklace. Everything. For her. Why must she came in his life? Why? Am I still the one for him? Absolutely no. Why must I ask something when the answers I already know?
I missed watching him playing footballs, I missed wiping his sweats using my shirt and give him a peck on his cheek. I missed kissing him, I missed hugging him. My heart never stops from beating fast since the day I knew I am going to lose him. I've lost someone whom I love more than myself. I know I don't have looks, I know I'm fat. I'm not perfect, neither you are. But once we was happily together. I know you can find the love that has been missing for now, back. Someday. I believe. But you kept on saying no.
Dear god, please give me strength to face this cruelty of world alone. Even so I need him with all my heart, I can't force him. I'll kept on praying for him to come back, even as a friend. Because I prefer having him as a friend, than just totally lost him. At least I can know he's fine, at least I can know he's already take his meals, and his sinus and everything. Herm. Dah terbiasa risau pasal dia. Even now, I still told my friends, I'm worried about his studies, I'm worried about his health. Dia da la kalau bersin, tak boleh stop. Huhu. See, why lah I should be worried?
Tonight, I'm wearing his shirt. I sleep in my room with his pillow next to me. I haven't hug it since the first day he left. I missed hugging the pillow. But I know, if I hug it, it will feels like I'm hugging him. The real him. God, I missed wearing our rings. I missed everything that can make me feel safe of having him in my life. I missed the feelings of me feeling secured knowing he'll be there when I need someone. I just .. missed him badly.
I don't know the real reasons of this happened. But I hope this is just a test for us before we get back together. See, I'm still hoping he would come back to me. I know it's wrong. Grrrh. Supposedly I go out with this one guy tonight, but I don't feel like meeting anyone but him. My used to be boyfriend. It's okay, I'll keep on praying :) And I love this word so much '' If you believe in something, keep believing, stick to it, it won't let you down ''. Well I hope it wont let me down! I'll wait for the day when he will call me and ask to be my friend. Aku tak berdendam pape pun kat dia. Tah la. I know 100% he's fine without me. Ahhhhhhh fucked up lah.
I took lots of photos yesterday, but I did not know to whom should I give it to. Usually I'll mms to him, but now . . Nevermind. I'll keep it to myself :) Well before I go to bed, I wish him a happy life ahead, and I hope, someday, he will find me back, even though not as a lover, but as a friend. The A - N shall never re-united back, according to his acting of never ever want me back in his life. A - N will only be memories. Well I wish, just a silly wish, A - N can be re-united again. Not now maybe, but someday. Insyallah. I still want to marry him, having kids with him, everything with him. Maybe not now, maybe later. Just maybe, sighed. Or maybe, someday I will say it out loud, I'm going to be fine without him in my life. And yes, maybe that time, I am okay without him in my life. Heh. I don't know. Anyways, thanks for reading this crap guys. And try to listen goodnight by maroon 5. He dedicate that song to me. The only different is, the guy in the video clip, is still with his current gf, but me, my guy left. And go to other girl. How I wish he's doing the same thing like the guy did. Well, I'm off. I'll continue later. Bye.
To the guy whom I used to had but lost to another girl, I love you so much, and I'm not blaming you for doing this to me. I hope someday, you will read this and will find me back, even as a friend. . I'll wait for that day to come. Insyallah.
- Nobody.
Thanks friends for being there when I need him the most. Thanks for all the support. Sorry if I make you guys down. I don't mean it. Blame my heart then.
1 comment:
heyyyy. be tough tau syg. there's other fishes in the sea. oneday he'll realize what a big loss u are to him.
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