Dear boy,

I'm watching Titanic today, the feelings of watching it alone, makes me feel sad. Jack, is Rose's true love. Which make me and Rose are same. I used to believe that you're my true love, boy. Well, I still believe that you're my true love. Even though you left me and go to other girl. That part, I'm different from Rose. What makes me and Rose are same, is because we both lost our true love. In a different ways, I mean. Sitting there alone watching this sad movie, makes me cry inside. I want to cry actually, but then I can't, cause I will feel weak if I cry. But to be frank, my eyes are watery. I watched Jack, being too concern towards Rose, makes me feel lonely. I really miss you, boy. I do. I honestly missing having you by my side. I miss you, I miss you so so much.





Sigh. Guess what? I'm crying. Haha. I know I'm stupid for crying, but then I can't hold my tears anymore. I can see the love in Jack's eyes for Rose, which I don't see anymore in your eyes, for me. Everyone is crying in the movie, they are letting their loved ones go. But you, you let me go without any tears in your eyes. Instead, you feel happy. That hurts. Really really hurt.






" .. You jump, I jump ". This words are very sweet :') I feel sad when Rose jump back into the ship, because she can't bare the feelings of facing the truth that she's letting Jack go. Right after she jumped back into the ship, I can feel LOVE. The love that I've been missing for this past 4weeks. Well actually, its been almost 2 months that I haven't feel the love from him. How I missed having him in my life. How I missed. I'm crying. Haha. Bloody hell. I hate tears. Shit. Haha.






Boy, what did I do that makes you changed so drastically? What did I do that make you choose her instead of me? Where did I went wrong? Where? Tell me, I feel weak. I miss you, I swear I do. Ten man standing in front of me, waiting for me to choose one. None of them that really can own my heart, like you did, boy. They can't replaced you, ever. Do you still remember in the movie, there's an old woman and old guy, hugging in bed, waiting to die together? That part really touched me. Their love is very strong for each other. Like we both, a year ago. But the love is fading away. One thing for sure, its not on my side, its on your side. Your love for me is fading away. .






I miss you so much. I miss everything about you. .

. . . And again, from the deepest part in my heart, I love you.

- Nobody
People who is reading this entry, appreciate your loved ones. Don't be too sure that they won't leave you. Hold them tight, because they might be running away and leave you all alone, facing the cruelty of this world.






... Like what he did to me.

*Even though if one day, I already move one, but there's one thing for sure, you're the best thing that I ever had.

; Woman's heart is like the deepest part in ocean that is fulls with secrets.
- Even so you see me smiling and laughing, that don't mean that I'm actually really happy.

Pick-a-boo?

It should be '' Peek-a-boo '', but I've change it to " Pick-a-boo " :P Well, let's pick a boo ( bf ) guys! :) Haha. I woke up early today, even though I'm off -.-' Maybe because I already get used to it, maybe. Yesterday I slept early. Seriously weh! And I've dream something. It's weird, I don't know which guy yang pop out in my head. But that guy I never know. In my dream, he ask for my number at my friend and get to know me. Weird gile. And from there kot ter'click'? Heh.






Can't wait to get my salary soon, yeayyy! MUST BUY NEW CLOTHES! :D Hehe. Later I'll be going to Genting dah. In a few hours from now. Waiting for that guy to text me. Hurm, okay la, I'm out. Don't feel good. I kept on coughing and my head is spinning. Maybe because of the weather. Always raining, right? Hm :) And yeah, suddenly I remembered something. You know, the last time I went to Malacca to meet him, I get sick. But he act normal. Usually he will get worried and take a good, a really really good care of me. But that moment, he act normal. I talked to myself " Hm, dia ni tak risau. Suruh aku balik ade la ". Because normally, he wont let me go home alone if I'm SICK. I can't walk you know? Perut aku macam ada pisau siat². Aku cuti sampai isnin, selalu dia nak aku balik last day tu jugak, tapi ni dia dok pakse² balik hari ahad petang tu jugak. His reason is " I need to study tonight". Okay, fine. I obeyed. But then tengok² malam tu dia gayut habis dengan minah tu. Aku msg sikit pun tak reply kan. Yeah, that moment aku dah sedar, tapi aku cakap kat diri aku " Relax, dia kawan je. He wants you, not that girl! ". But then I was wrong. Sumpah gile salah lah aku punye fikiran. Pity me. Huhu. Damn.





Sigh, why should I think back those painful moments? Hehe. I should open my eyes bigger than its already are. Pity you, pity pity pity. Lets move on!







- Nobody
I'm starting to move on now. Don't blame me if my heart is already close for him even so I still believe that he's the one. Maybe I should start to believe that he's not the one for me. I should force myself to believe on that. He's someone else 'the one' and I'm not the one for him anymore. So I should just move on. .

I'm the one?

Its raining, and I walked very slow. I feel tired. Today my mood berubah². Sometimes okay, sometimes I feel lonely. Just now, Fi, as usual, came to me and goncang² kan my kerusi. Dok tengah cakap ngan cust tu, begegar² =.=' I looked behind, and he smiled and blah. Lol. Crazy. Then just now, again, he came " .. Mane chocolateeeeeeee? ". I was talking to the customer, so macam kabut la gak. Then I pointed to fax machine, tah macam mane mamat tu faham, dia pergi amek kan fax untuk aku. So yeah, aku mintak die handle kan customer tu, sebab customer tu nak buat ape tah. Then aku bangun, he seat at my place like usually he do. So while I was talking to the customer, again, I saw he wrote something at my paper, so after he talked to the customer and everything, he went away. So I looked at my paper and guess what people? He wrote " Wafi " and he drew LOVE and bawah love tu he leave blank. So I called him and said " Wafi love sapeeee wafiiiiiiiiiii? Sapeeee? " Then he said " Hehe mane ade sape² " then he took my pen and bawah love tu he drew " ? ". So jadi la " Wafi ♥ ? " Lol.







Before I left, ade mamat ni tanye " Asal mate lebam? ". Aku pun tekejut la kan, lebam ke? Then I asked my friend, and he said " Lebam, tapi tak nampak sangat. Penat sangat kot? ". Yeah I was too tired. Damn, penat kot. Dah tu, stress. Hm. Today I went home with Megan, again :) Megan is a really really nice dude. He's appreciate all people you know. Dia asek puji orang je. He told me that I'm really pretty. And he said " If I'm a malay guy, seriously you're the one ". Haha! I told him " You ni, jarang I jumpe a guy, who appreciate everything tau. ". Then he said " I'm very honest, when I said someone is pretty, then it means she's really pretty to me ". Huhu, Megan Megan :)






Tomorrow I'm heading to Genting Highland :) Well, macam couples plak kan yang pergi. Sepasang. Lol. Bloody hell. Haha. Stay one night kat sane. Wieeee :) Best. At least tade la aku dok rumah tunggu something yang tak akan jadi kan? Okay la, gtg. Ciao!








-Nobody
You know, suddenly I miss having someone who I can called 'boyfriend' by my side. Seriously :')

Run boy, run. . + 25th,

Tap tap tap tap tap ( people's running ).




" Hey, can I have your number? " . .









Today I woke up a bit late. Shit, I was too sleepy >.<. Overslept plak. Haha. I went to office with my sleepy face and there he was, " Bang Bing Bong ". His name is Ashraff. I called him bang bing bong cause " bang/abang " word is too common for me, so I create this " Bang bing bong " names. Haha. On that floor, I'm the only one who called him that names. Ngeh :P He looked at me and greets me morning. I smiled and walked to him. " Bang bing bong, ngantok " .. And he said " Pergi tidur. Japg boss datang I cover " Hee :P But naah, I tak tidur.





Today my A.M said I'm doing very good. My colleague asked me something and I answered it correctly. I didn't noticed that her, my A.M was behind my back. So when I give the right info, she slap my back, and I looked behind and she make this " very good " face with two thumbs up. Haha :P So yeahh, except for this day is supposed to be a happy day because if you noticed, it's 25th. Lol. Nvm, you guys must probably don't understand what I was trying to say. Just a few people will understand :D Haha. So yeah, everything went OKAY today, anyway :) Yeayy.





I went for lunch with Kak yuni, and there he was, that 'yesterday' guy. The guy who I've mentioned earlier in my previous entry, the guy who said my bottle is cute and trying to talk to me. He sat next to me wey today >.<'' Bloody hell. At first I didn't noticed it was him. Then suddenly he came and say " Auww this cute bottle ". Right after he said that, I knew it was him. Haha. So yeah, we talked. His friends kept looking at me instead of Kak yuni. I was getting annoyed with this particular guy who kept on asking for my number even though he's not exactly asking for it. Kire macam cakap berlapik² la. Haha crazy. Then suddenly die bangun and pergi beli makanan. I makan laju gile dude! Sebab nak lari. Haha!! Kak yuni pun suruh cepat. Then after that I managed myself to get out from that place. I went to this stall, to buy chocolates. Suddenly, .. tap tap tap tap tap .. I looked behind, it's him! That guy. He chased me weh. Gile ke ape? He asked for my number, but I replied with " Ala, keje 18th floor je, my name is xxxxxx " then he looked at me and say " Oh .. xxxxxx eh? Okay okay, xxxxxx kan? " then I smiled. Haha. Then Kak yuni cakap " Sanggup tu kejar, gile hebat you ". Lol. Nasib lelaki tu lupe pasal number :P





" ... Ui! Nah! " I gave him chocolate, and he smiled and say " Thank you, youuuuuuuu! " Macam budak kecik okay Wafi ni. I bought him chocolate since kempunan sangat mamat tu. Okay Wafi ni A.M - assist. manager. So ikut suka la kan dia nak pergi kat mane². So die lepak tepi aku tadi. Duduk je tengok aku buat keje sambil makan chocolate tu. Sampai orang pun da tanye " ada pape ke? " gile tak gile? Haha. Then I need his help to handle this particular cust, so yeah, he took my place. Time buat keje tu, aku diri, dia duduk. Die tak habis² type bende kat pc, then pandang muka aku, senyum macam budak kecik! Haha ape motif pun tatau. Aku hanye mampu cakap " Fi tolong la, haha ". After settle, die blah pergi tolong orang lain. Then die lalu tepi aku and cakap " Please bare with me, maam " sambil ketuk kerusi aku and senyum. Aku da pandang cam " haaa? " Haha. Then agak lame jugak la, cam 50 mins, he came again and say " Ehh lame kan tak datang sini, sebok plak kat tempat sane " Haha! Kak yuni said he's like a kid. Lol xD Then again, he sat next to me, borak², and suddenly he said " Balik sama jum? " Aku pun cam " Hah? Shift until what time? Mine 6pm " .. Then die buat muke sedih and said " I 7.30pm ". Haha. He's driving by the way. And he's a good friend. Well, kawan je dude ;)





Then tadi I was in pantry, texting my friends, my face look a bit pale and sad cause I'm too tired. And Wafi came and said " Ahaaa, gaduh ngan bf la tuuuuu ". Then I said to him, " Nak gaduh ape nye fi? Bf pun takde " . . Lol! Then he looked and smiled. Phew, I was too tired. Tiring day, tired tired tired.







Today I went home late, it's raining heavily, plus I've waited for Megan to finished his work. I went home with 5 guys wey! Haha. Pukul 8 gerak dari office. 2 hours dok lepak dalam office tu. Best gak la cause semua yang lepak boleh masuk kepala. So balik tadi with 5 guys, seronok gak. I was the only girl, lol :) So yeah, I can't wait for this Friday to come.








... Anyways, happy 25th. Hmm :')









- Nobody
Thanks, even though today should be our happy day, but then you weren't there. Anyways, everything went okay today, except for not having you, in my life anymore. . .

Issit too late?

When you lose the one you wanted,

Cause he's taking you for granted,

And everything you had got destroyed.

Beyonce: It's a little too late for you to come back,

Kelly: But I cant let you go,
cause I'm too attached.

Beyonce: If you thought I would wait for you,
you thought wrong.

Seems familiar to you right? Well its If i were a boy by Beyonce ^^. I love the remix of this song. Seriously sedap. Beyonce feat R.kelly. Teheee, nice ;) Now lagu yang main kat kepala aku semua lagu " The way that I love you " " Everybody knows " " If i were you remix " " Against the grain " " My life would suck without you " and, hmm " Goodnight goodnight " :) Lol. Okayla, gtg ciao! Sumpah lembab tahuuuuuuuuu si dia ni.







- Nobody
Just now my mom asked '' Mana cakar ayam? ". Sigh kesian mak aku, teringin cakar ayam dekat MC Melaka. Haritu I told her she will get the cakar ayam, but until now, still tak dapat :( Sorry mummy, wait till I go there again, k?





... And I'm scared. Once I already set my mind to 'move on', I wont ever turning back. Like what I did to my first love. Even I'd believe that he will come back to me someday which he did. I believe in that for 2 years. Huhu. And he did coming back. But then by that time I already move on even so I still have a "little" feelings for him that moment, I didn't go back to him. I didn't accept him back. Because once I already move one, how hard the person going to chase me, how hard my first love chased me, I didn't and wont take back because on that moment, that moment where he'd came back to me, my heart is already empty for him. Z E R O. He taught me to live without him by my side. So when he came after 2 years, my heart is already dead for him. When I already starting to live 'this' way, I will always continue living 'this' way. Seriously, I'm afraid for 'this' to come. And I hope its wont be too late . . .

I was wrong for fallin' in love.

" .. I lapar ". I look up, and there he was, Wafi, standing next to me. I was talking to a customer just now, and all I could do is smile. And then he repeated it again " .. I lapar la, lapar lapar lapar ". And I pressed the mute button and I replied " Pi makan la fi. " I love to call him FI instead of WAFI. Lol. And he smiled and say " Nanti la, nak chocolate lah youuuuu". Then he left. Fyi, today is the first day he talked to me using I and YOU. Before this KAU and AKU. Haha. People said he likes me. Well I don't give a damn, what I know is, I like him as a friends. He's cool by the way.




There's one customer, saying that I'm good. I feel glad, happy and lucky. And when I went for lunch, there's a few guys trying to talk to me. I mean, nak kenal la kan. Cakap botol air aku comel la itu la. Luckily meja aku time tu penuh, so takde la space dorang nak duduk. Ho ho ho. And when I went up, there was Adam, he looked at me, and I smiled. Geez, people told me that he likes me too. What the heck with this people nowadays?





The savy guy called, asking me whether I'm free this weekends or not, and I said no since I'm going somewhere with my friends. I can't wait. Finally, after almost a month hiding myself in my house, I'm out to roll and be happy :') So he said its okay, he'll wait for my FREE time. Lol. Funnnnaaayyyyy. Thanks 'savy guy' :) The blue savy guy. Hehe. Yay, I'll be out from KL this friday, and will be back on em em, IDK :) Hehe. But sunday I have to work, hu hu hu :(






" ... I nak chocolate " again, Fi came to me. So I looked to him and said " Okay fi, esok esok " Haha. He smiled. Well, at least there's someone who can make me smile, like him, he have her, in his life. To make him happy, to make him smile, to make him laugh and everything. Well, I'm happy for him, again. Sometimes I realize that I can live w/o him, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I miss him so much, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I feel a bit angry because he did me wrong, well sometimes I don't. Sigh, I'm tired actually. I hope me and him can be friends. Well at least if he's back, we can go hang out, even as a friend :) It's not wrong right? But geez, I know it wont happen ^^. Stupidos! Hahaha. Well, I just realize, that I was wrong for falling in love . . Huhu, gtg, I'm going out :) He'll probably almost reach my house now. Bye. Aww its been a long time since I used 'bye' word! I think I should get used to it now since I have to use it everyday :)





- Nobody
I don't know my real intention of writing this entry. But I know that I want people to know that I was wrong for fallin' in love . . I was really really really wrong . . I shouldn't love anyone anymore. Not now and then. Well, maybe I will, someday. But for now, my heart is already closed . . Hurt hurt hurt :) .

A little memories,

I called my friend just now. It's been almost a month since I last met her. We talk like we haven't meet for a year. We talked about memories just now. Memories in school. Those happy moments, those happy times. She lost someone that she love, too. We used to spent time together; 4 people, me, her, and our boyfriends. My apologize, our ex boyfriends. We really miss those moments where we both sat next to them, laughing, teasing and precious the moments. How we both missed them.





Its funny how we cried just now. We both really miss our special ones. I told her " ... Its sad because that moment, I still could see the love shining through his eyes, but then since last month, I didn't see the 'love' anymore. ". Its really really sad when those moments hit our mind. We cried cause we miss them, those person who doesn't even think of us anymore. We cried cause we are still hoping, that soon they will come back. We cried cause we still believe they are the one for us. We cried cause we know we're stupid for still believing. We cried . . . cause we haven't cry for a long time. Cause we knew, if we cry, there will be no one who can wipe our tears from our cheek and give us a hug and promise us that everything will get back to normal. Like they used to do, back then when we're still together.




Its raining outside. Its really heavy. I feel like going out. Can I drive to our fav park? Please? Hm. I miss having him in my life, saying " .. Baby, hujan kan? Jangan keluar okay? I tak bagi " Well at least I know he'd care for me. But now, there's no more. Lol. Even so I miss him, I know I can't force him. I can't even call him. I can't even text him . .





I'm planning to treat my family for dinner next week, since I'll get my salary for this month within this few days. I told him before we broke up, I want him to join my family and dinner with us. And I can't remember what his answer is, whether OK or NO. but however, even though he's not a part of my life anymore, I would still be glad if he could join us. But then how am I going to invite him? I can't contact him. And he already told me he wont come home next week. So I should just forget my intention about this plan, I think. But still, I would be glad if next week, he'll knock my door, and I open the door, and there he is, smiling and look at me. I would still be glad if he could join us next week. I hope, oh dear, I hope. Hopeless wish.





I saw this couple just now, the guy is more shorter than the girl. He holds her hand, they look happy. Weird. It feels weird. Weird because I used to feel that feelings. I used to be hold by someone that I love. I look at them, and then they suddenly smile at me. Weird. Seriously its weird. I smile back to them, fake smile. Hopeless, wishless, feelingless.





He came to my place just now, I mean my friend, Wafi. He came and he said ' .. Ohh, awat duduk sini plak? Korang tak suke Wafi ek? .. " Because we sat at different places today. Me, and my friends. And I said ' .. No, Jay suruh kitorang duduk sini. Tmrw kitorang dok sane ye abang Wafiiiiii? ". Heh, I love to call him ABANG. Cause he will make faces. Lol. And there he was, Fareez, he came to my place, stop behind my back, and I look to my pc, I could see his reflection. And after a few sec, he went away. I don't know what the motif of him standing behind my back. Oh crap, I don't give a damn. I saw this one guy, kept looking at me. When I look at him, he's still looking at me. So I decide to change my view. Sigh. Annoying.






Ahh, my throat and my head is killing me. Sumpah sakit :( Asal ah? It hurts. I can't seems to eat anything, and my head is spinning. I took lots of panadols today. Lol. What the heck, no one cares.







When I'm smiling, when I'm laughing, when I'm happy, when I be strong, when I'm sick, he's still in my mind. How talkative I can be, while I'm talking, he's in my mind. I missed the feelings to be worried by someone when I get sick. I missed the feelings to sleep with secured knowing that tomorrow, they'll be there. Weird how a guy, a simple guy, can make me fall and into him so much. " Thanks for making me love you so much, and thanks for leaving me and make me suffering alone, without you in my life. Whatever happens, you're still the best thing that I ever had. I still don't blame you for doing this to me. You're not being yourself now. You can't think well. I know someday you will find your old self back, and fix this thing and make it better. I still believe and hold on to something, and I'll stick to it forever. Perhaps it wont let me down. I love you. =") "







-Nobody
Suddenly I feel lonely. . Suddenly I feel like hugging his pillow. But I know I can't. How I wish if he knows that the song in my blog is for him.

:") I'm glad.

KringKring.



Hello?





. . . . . .


12 minutes of talking are more than enough :')








I was wrong.
He's still the best.
That's all I need to say.
Thanks for tonight dear.
Thanks alot :')






Bye.

- Nobody
I'll sleep with a smile on my face tonight.

Bleeding.

My nose is bleeding today. I don't know why. Its already been twice that my nose bleeds this week. Hurt. Sakit gile. I don't know why :( Its really hot, I feel like putting ice on my nose. Haha. Just now my cousins came, and they told me I look a bit 'thin' than before. Well, I'm glad tho. I'm happy :) Haha.




I had Big Apple just now. Alien vs Predator. Yumyum! Its deliiiiiiiccccciiiiioooooussssssssss! But too sweet. Haha. Tomorrow my shift started at 8am, so I have to wake up EXTRA EXTRA early, around 6am. And go to LRT around 630, 640am. Damn, I need to sleep early as well :( Huhu, I can't wait for Friday to come cause this week aku cuti Jumaat and Sabtu :D Hehe. Syok nyaaaaa.




And just now, I'm staring at the sky, no stars. It feels weird. I used to look at the sky and smile while counting the stars. Heh. Nevermind. I'm happy that he's happy now :) Gtg, ciao ~





- Nobody
I can't wait to get my salary this month!! :P

He won, I lost,

I'm wrong. I thought there will be a chance for him to find me back someday, but then I heard he's planning to go to his new gf's house. Wow, I'm surprised. Seriously I'm hurt. I thought at least, he will come home and think of me. And maybe, he will come to my house and meet me. Sigh, sigh. PATHETIC!!! See, people, stop telling me about him! I don't want to know. It hurts to know that he's actually happy with that girl! :"((





Fucker, I'm stupid. What for I'm still hoping for something which is NOT going to happen? OPEN YOUR EYES GIRL! He's not going to find you! He's happy with someone else, NOT YOU! NOT YOU! SOMEONE ELSE!! Geez, I wonder what perfume is she wearing. I hope her perfume is less aroma than mine. Heh.





Talk about perfume, I need to buy a new perfume. My perfume is almost finish now. Sobs :'( Everything is not good for me now. Yes, aku di bawah skang, tapi soon, aku akan di atas jugak. What goes up, must come down. It's okay. I will, someday, I will, stand on my own feet, smiling and be happy. Insyallah.





I'm hurt now. He's totally FINE without me. Stop DAYDREAMING la, babe! You should FORGET HIM now! FORGET! Not REMEMBERING him! F O R G E T!!!!! He's a liar. All his words to me was a LIE. He didn't mean all the words that he told me when we're still together. It's all bullshit. I'm totally pissed off right now. I'm hurt. :'( But still, I can't hate him. W H Y??! I'm trying to hate him by saying he's a liar and everything but I can't seem to force my heart to do so. Faka!




No, I'm not mad at him. No. He have the rights to do anything he wants with that girl. Seriously I'm not angry with him. I'm angry with myself. For still believing, hoping that everything is not too late yet. It is too late. He don't need me anymore. Why I can't face it? Girl, be strong. Face the truth :( I know its hurt, girl. But please, face the truth. He don't want you anymore. He's happy with that girl.






Gosh, I didn't know it would be this hard. I must force myself to be strong and stop hoping whatever happens pun. He don't need me anymore. He's happy with that girl. I'm suffering here, alone. Its okay. Not my time yet, just not my time yet.






- Nobody.
I'm totally wrong. There will be no more US anymore. I thought at least he would think of me, but then I was wrong, again. He's happy now. Really really happy with that girl. .

Hug me, please?

I'm watching CSI now, the guy came back to the girl after he decided to leave. The girl, I could feel her pain. And there he was, standing in front of her without she noticing it. She look at the back while her tears rolling down on her cheek. And she talk like there's nothing happened. And suddenly he came and give her a hug. And she hug him tightly while crying. My eyes suddenly gets watery. Heh. And the guy said he doesn't think well when he decided to leave, and now he's back and wanted to start all over again.




That's all that I need to say. I'm just saying something with hope, he could do the same thing to me. Standing in front of my house, hugging me and apologize for everything. And I'll cry that moment, finally he's back. But then, I know it wont happen. It just, wont ever happen. I have to stop daydreaming. I have to stop hoping. I just .. have to stop.







- Nobody
I miss his hugs.

4 AM in the morning.

I woke up early today, even though I slept late yesterday. The clock strikes to number 4, so I knew I have to sleep. I have to force myself to sleep. But I can't. I kept on thinking about someone who is not thinking about me. " .. Still can't believe you found somebody new .. " I love this song. Suits me. Well, it doesn't matter, sigh.




Zoo. I miss going there with him. I miss the feelings of watching those animals sleeping and do their own things. Haha. Yeah, rindu :')) We used to go there, and I miss 'KEMENSAH' too. We always go there when we don't know where to go to. I really really miss him. I can't seem to throw this feelings out from my heart. Of course, I'll be missing him even though it's already 3years or more. Never once I loved a guy so much and he's asking me to back off from his life. It hurts. Seriously do. It fucking hurts. No words can describe how hurt it feels.





I heard he's doing really good now. I don't know where he can find the strength not to think of me. 4 years together, and those memories seems to fade away from his mind. I respect him for that. At least he did show me that he'll be fine without me and he's strong. Me? I failed badly. Hahaha! Stupid. Silly, yeah I know. Sigh :))




I'm weak, I used to be strong when he's in my life. He's my strength and my confident. I'm a girl who is lack with confident and I'm not independent. But he changed me. He make me drag myself to PUDU RAYA alone, because I was eager to meet him in Malacca. Weird, but yeah, anything for him, I would do without thinking long. But still, its not enough for him. I'm still not 'the best' for him. Well I've tried. But then I've been replaced. Great. How pathetic I am.




" If i were a boy ( REMIX ) ", I love the song :) Try to listen to that song. I love the guy part. Haha. Cause he says he can't let go of the girl because he's too attached. Lol. Yeah, I'm emotional. I know. Ehe :)) People told me he's taking me for advantage, somehow I agree with them, but then I know I can't blame him. He's not being himself now. I know him well. But it's okay, it doesn't matter now. I'm still not good enough for him. I should just continue living my own life. Without him, without someone that I love, without his love in my life.




" If u're not the one for me,my world will perish.seriously it would coz u mean the whole world to me.i've known u,ur family and everything that has to do with it.hahah.i went on a holiday with ur family,slept with ur cousins.how can i forget u?it would be really hard.really really hard.but if i have to move on,i would but i'll be comparing a lot.hahaha.i would think ahh,s***** is like diz,ahh, s***** isnt like dat.hahaha.serioulsy,u're good enuff for me.i know at times there are things that i feel so mad about u.but that's who u are n im learning to accept it.but honestly i love u n i dont want to lose u. "






I used to believe those words. I thought he really mean it, but then I'm wrong. I'm a failure. I'm a loser. Boooo me.







- Nobody
I'm out of words. I can't think of anything else except for him. Okay, stupid me.

One more try.

I raised my hands up, there he was. Walking straight to me. His name is Wafi. He's 20 too, same like me. He was looking straight to my eyes. I told him about the customers problem. And all he can say is " Ye sayang, ye betul tu sayang. Okay sayang " Heh. Gilo mamat tu :) But yeah, he's nice. Once, he came to me, next to me. And he took his handphone out, and looked at me. And I said " Ye? ". And he put down his handphone back and said " Aaaa tade pape la. Hehe " and went away. And I saw this one girl laughing at him. And yes, Haniff was too. And he ask Wafi " Dapat? " I don't know what they are trying to do. Aha I don't give a damn :)



I watched Edward the scissors hands just now. I could feel the loneliness that he felt. Ahh maybe because I was too emo. Maybe. I can't wait to go to Malacca. Seriously! Heh. Nah, I'm not going there to meet him. Didn't plan to. I'm planning to go there to meet my friends. My superlove girlfriendssssss. Hee :)



Tonight I'll be sleeping in my sister's room because my atok sleeps in my room. I'm starting to miss my room dah. Hahaha. I missed Bangsar's lamb chop :( Suddenly I feel hungry. Hehe. You know what I miss the most? Eating burger at our fav park. Hehe. The feeling was superb. Non stop talking to each other. So much memories. Fightings, cries, happy moments, everything. Lol.



I drove to our fav park just now. The feelings to be there was a bit different. The place that we used to hang out together, now I'm sitting there alone. Watching stars up there. Cold. And again, alone. Alone. Sigh. I took my car keys, and drove out. I went to his old house. I still remembered, that night, we went out from 1am - 4/5+ am. Watching movies in Pavilion. He was tired, so I took his place to drive. He was sleeping when we went home. He looks cute :) I sent him home and I went home. Even though I was tired that night, but I slept with a smile on my face. I'm glad that I had him once even though I lose to a young girl. A fresh young girl. Heh.



I couldn't sleep even though I'm kinda sleepy now. My head force me to update this dead blog or else, I can't sleep. I miss coconut shake so much. I miss eating that delicious nasi lemak with him next to me. I miss eating that yummy laksa with him next to me. I miss hanging out at the choice shop while eating my fav burger with him, again, next to me. We was laughing the whole night. The feelings, cannot be replaced with anything else. I miss Jetty so much. But I know, those place that used to be OUR place, is already replaced by her. I know they probably went the same place like we did, before this. I know, sigh.



I look outside, lonely. I can feel the coldness of the wind. I feel cold, but I know there's no one out there would hug me and make me feel warm. And now I'm listening to KARMA by Alicia keys. I wish I was prettier, I wish I was skinnier. Haha. So that when he left me, there will be someone out there waiting for me. Hehe. What a silly wishes :))




Well I hope he's doing okay now. It's 150am, and it's saturday night. Most probably he's in front of his college, watching cars racing. Haha. I used to joined him and his friends. The feelings, sumpah dow. Macam family da. Wahhaha ;PPP Well now no more. I shouldn't talk about him anymore. Hmph. Enough, enough. Haih.




Jason mraz is coming. I wanna go!! You know, I already planned to buy 2 tickets, I'm planning to go to his concert with him. And I already planned to buy MU ticket for our 4th anniversary since he's a MU fans and they are coming this July. Hehe. But too bad, too bad. Okay, enough darling. I talk toooooooo much don't I?





I'll continue later. Goodbye.
- I already un-private my old blog. Well, just for the sake to tell people that I'm away. And it hurts to see my previous entry about US. Ahh how I missed.






-Nobody.
No more words. Hurts, only hurts.

A Song, for him.

If he can dedicate Goodnight Goodnight by Maroon 5 to me, I dedicate this song to him.
Even though I know, it wont change a thing.

It gets harder every day, but I can’t seem to shake the pain
I’m trying to find the words to say, please stay
It’s written all over my face, I can’t
Function the same when you’re not here
I’m calling your name and no one’s there

And I hope one day you’ll see nobody has it easy,
I still can’t believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best, I guess.

‘Cause everybody knows, that nobody reallyknows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt
We’ve heard it all before, that everybody knows
How to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try
(Try, Try)
One more try
(Try, Try)
One more try
‘Cause everybody knows, but nobody really knows

Oh ohhh

I don’t care what the people say
They brought it all in anyway
Baby don’t fill up your head with he said, she said
It seems like you just don’t know
The radio’s on, you turning me out,
I’m trying to speak, you’re turning me down

And I know one day you’ll see nobody has it easy,
I still can’t believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best, I guess.

‘Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt
We’ve heard it all before, that everybody knows
How to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try
(Try, Try)
One more try
(Try, Try)
One more try
(Try, Try)
One more try
‘Cause everybody knows, but nobody really knows

Oh I wish you’d understand (ouu I wish you’d understand)
Oh, just an ordinary man (Ouu just an ordinary man)
Listen we’d have known (Listen we’d have known)
Everybody knows, (Everybody knows)
But nobody really knows

And I know one day you’ll see, nobody has it easy
I still can’t believe you found somebody new
I wish you the best, I guess.

‘Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt
We’ve heard it all before, that everybody knows
How to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try
(Try, Try)
One more try
(Try, Try)
One more try
(Try, Try)
One more try
‘Cause everybody knows, but nobody really knows

Oohhh Ooohhh Oohhh nobody really knows
Oohhh Ooohhh Oohhh nobody really knows
(fade out)

-Nobody.
I did begging him for another try. But he refused. I didn't see that he was trying to tell me he's happy with the girl, more than he's with me. Pity me, pity me alone. .

Hurts.

Suddenly that feelings strikes into my heart. HURT! Thats all I could feel for now. I picture him holding her hands, holding her face, holding her body. Damn, it hurts. He told me once, he hold her hands while they were out together. And to make it more worst, they went out almost everyday before he met me in KL. Ouch. Stupid me, stupid for still believing he's the one. No no, he's not the one anymore. Not for me. He's someone else's 'the one'. Not for me anymore. Sigh, that's all I could do. Sighed.




Have you heard ' My life would sucks without you ' by Kelly Clarkson? I told him I dedicate that song to him, but then I realized the song doesn't really suits him. Haha. In that song, they had a fight, broke up, and the guy realized that he can't live without the girl, and he came back to that girl and saying sorry and all. Sigh. I shouldn't dedicate that song to him. Salah tu joooooo, salaaahhhh! Haha :P Stupid me, foolish me, Idiot me.





Sometimes I feel weak, sometimes I feel strong. The feelings of missing him sometimes is fading away. Sometimes it came without I'm noticing it. What lah? I think everything sume skang ni suke kot tengok aku merana. Siolan sungguh. Heh.






So there she was, a happy girl, once, is breaking apart. Been left by the guy that she once love with all her heart. Still, I think. She must face this alone. She needs to stay strong and not to fall apart. She hold her heart that is never beating slow since the day he left her. She put his pillow somewhere she could not find. She loved him once, and he decided to leave. She gave what he wants and wishing him a happy life . .







- Nobody
I should've pity to myself now.

Rain rain go away,

Bring my tears with you also.

Its raining outside. I saw the wind lashing at the trees. Scary. I still remember I told him I'm afraid of the sound of the storm. And he said " .. Don't be scared baby, I'm here okay? I'm here with you. Sorok muka bawah selimut cepat and bayangkan I peluk you .. " Lol :) Yes, he's very sweet. I know. That's why I'm really into him.




I'm eating biscuit now. The taste, not bad. I don't know whether the biscuit or my throat that is killing me. I drank chocolate shake that day. Blargh, tasteless. I ask my friend to taste it, and without expecting the words, they said '' Em yummy! Delicious la! ". Okay, now I know there's something wrong with my throat. Faaaaaaakkkkkk. But then I still remember the last meal that he feeds me. Omelet, delicious. He cook for me. And he feed me with his hand. I asked him to cook another one, and he cook for me. Delicious. I still remember the taste. And I missed his burger. . So so much.





Again, I took new pictures. It looks fine, to me. Hahaha. But still, I don't know to whom should I give it to. I feel like sending them to him, but then, I lost his number. Even so I still remember his number, I know I'm not needed by him anymore. Herm. It's okay, I know he's happy now. Ahhh goooooo myself! Go go!







-Nobody.
I may look strong outside, I may look fine outside, but actually I'm weak and dead inside. Sigh. The song in my blog currently stuck in my head.

My lullaby baby,

Today I woke up a bit late. Revenge time, I supposed. Since I have to wake up early every morning to go to work. I look at my hp, 3msgs. Its from my friends. Its weird when there's no msg from him. I missed his greetings every night and morning. " .. Goodnight baby, sweet dreams. I love you, mwah ta " ".. Hey baby! Morning! Just wanna say I love you. Mwaaaaaaah! " Well, sigh. I know I have to face this loneliness alone. Well, I'm a strong girl, I will. Someday. Pray for me.



I took my towel, and straight to the bathroom. I look at the mirror, I look different now. A bit pale, down, and my hair look horrible. Haha. I apply my Olay cleanser on my face, nice. But still, I don't see any different of me wearing it everyday. I put my shirts on. I went outside, watching tv with my family. My grandfather is here. I hope he wont ask me anything about him since he's close to my family. I hoped, I hoped.




I sat in front of my pc, suddenly this word popped out in my head " ... I won't ever let you go. You are my life, how can I live without my life? .. " Well, at least once, I believed those words. Yeah, I did. Sigh. I remembered, the first time he looked at me. I was running away from him. He came in my class, and smiled at me. I was happy that time. He looked cute. Seriously. I went down, and there he was. Looking cute with his baju melayu. He came to me and told me he wants to walked home with me later. And I said sure. I went upstairs with a smile on my face. And I screamed in my class. My friends ran to me and there you go, gossip time :)



I still remember that day, 21st march 2005, he was sick. High fever. I ran to my house just to take my dad's phone. I called my cousin, begging him to take him to the clinic. And he did came, and I was so thankful to him. He was very pampered to me that day, well I think its because he was sick. I put my hand on his face, hot. Very hot. I was worried, and I went home and wait patiently. And he text me later saying he's home. And thanked to me for the caring side of me for him just now. Well, I do love him, thats why I care for him.



Malacca, the first place we went for out 1st date. Weird? Yeah. On his birthday, we went to Malacca with our school teachers and friends for touring. I wore blouse, he asked for it. I sat next to him. We was so happy that day. He hold my hands tight. The feelings to be loved is very beautiful. I had it once, and I lost it now. Malacca, it used to make me feel happy when I went there. The feelings to be 24/7 with our lover, happy moments, happy days. The last time I went there, I felt different. He was treating me quite different and weird. He text the girl, I mean, his gf now, even though I was next to him that time. Cool, right? But I didn't complained anything. I kept in my heart. The feelings of insecure. The feelings of scared. Soon, I will go there again. But this time its different. I go there to meet my friends, not him. Not anymore. And I hope, we wont bummed into each other. Cause I can't bare the feelings to see him in front of me doing nothing together. I'm afraid if I see him with the girl. Ahhh buffalo.




I still remembered, we're eating donuts in KLCC. Taste very good. And suddenly his sliver drooling from his mouth while he was biting the donut. Its funny. He was hiding it from me, but I noticed it. And we burst into laughed. Haha. Its cute when he tend to get shy. His face turns out red. I kissed his cheek. I love him so much, with all my heart. But now, there's no more us. No more happy moments, no more sweet lovers. No more, just no more.




I should look ahead now. There's no turning back. But why I kept on picturing him as my husband? Why I kept on visualizing out marriage moments? He wants 7 maids, 4 drivers and big house. I said no, I don't want him to be cocky, but then I was wrong. His intention was to make me happy, but then I failed to understand him. Sorry sayang, I was wrong. You can get what you want. I'm sorry, I obey to what you said. 7 maids, 4 drivers, okay? I'm sorry, boo. I'm sorry . . Just come back, and I give everything that you want, including 6 cars that you've planned to buy someday . .





My family went out. I'm alone in my house, writing this. They asked me to join, but I'm too tired. I feel weak. I don't have the strength to go out and be happy. I should, yes I know I should, like he did. He's very strong. I know. I know, darling. I should go, but my mind is tired. I feel like sleeping the whole day. The savy guy called again, I didn't pick up. I put my phone far away from me. I don't think there's anyone will call me. .




I bought him the phone, and he sold it. The feelings of being hurt this way is more better than the feeling of losing him. Its worst. I know I made mistakes, and I will learn from it. I shouldn't love someone too much. And I wont love a guy like I loved him. I wont, and never will.






Guys, don't come to me. My heart is broken now.










- Nobody.
He taught me everything. Thanks, friend.

The pictures.

I look at our pictures in my computer. It hurts. There, still can see the love coming through his eyes. But there's no more now. It hurts.









I missed him, badly.










-Nobody.
I hope she will take a good care of him better than I did before. I hope she will supported his body when his leg hurts, like I did before. I hope she will call him so many times when he's sick/fever, like I did before. I hope she will give tones of msgs to him while he's sleeping like I did before. I hope she will wipe his sweats with her shirt, like I did before. I hope she will wipe his mouth every time he take his meals, like I did before. I hope she will hold his face whenever his feeling down, like I did before. I hope she will laugh every time he farts, like I did before. I hope she will hold his nose when he's sneezing, like I did before. I hope she will massage his legs when he's tired of driving, like I did before. I hope she will cry when he's suffering, like I did before. I hope she will clips his finger's nail, like I did before. I hope she will hug him every time he's feeling cold, like I did before. I hope she will get angry each time he's doing mistakes, like I did before.








But then .. I hope she ... make him happy like I never did before. I hope she understands him better, like I never did before. I hope she will surrender each time they had a fight, like I never did before. I hope she will obey to what he said, like I never did before. I hope she will get the chance to be with him forever, like I never had before. I hope she will get the chance to marry him, like I never had before . . and after . .







Hopeless wishes, hopeless dreams.

His yummy sweater.

It's cold here. Seriously, it's very cold. There's nothing I can put on other than his sweater. I took his sweater and put it on so that it could covered up my body. Warm. It feels like his hugging me. Heh, keep on dreaming honey ;)




Well, this morning, Fareez was looking at me. When I look at him, he smiled. The hey-can-I-know-you-more smile. And i replied with a hey-whats-up smile. Haha. Then I look in front. I pick up calls, talk to the customer, each time I put customer on hold, I'll think of him. No, it's not Fareez. You know who. Grh, faka. Stop appearing in my head, will you boy? Damn damn damn.




I went to the fax machine, I found nothing there. My face was sad because my head is tired. And suddenly there's a guy looking at me and ask why, then he continued saying '' Don't be sad. You look cute when you're smiling. So smile " since I'm famous with the happy go lucky attitude in my office. Then I look to him and smile. I was faking it up. Then he said " There you go, cute. Lucky your boyfriend ". Blarrghhh, I feel like screaming my lungs out. I don't have boyfriend! Ergh. Then I look at him and said " Yeah, but poor me. I'm single ". Then he did the shocked face. And I left. I went to Haniff. Fareez was there too. He look at me. But I was looking at Haniff. I was about to tell Haniff that tonight I'm going back with Megan since his shift is different than mine. Then suddenly there's a guy whispering while I was walking. " Hey, awak ni cute la ". But I didn't bother to look at the guy. I walked to Haniff. And Fareez, as usual, do his work while looking at me. Haih, Fareez², kau comel kau tau? Bile nak mintak number aku? Haha!



You know what I like about this Fareez guy? He's a shy guy. Die selalu pandang aku sorok². And when I noticed it, I look at him, and cepat² dia tarik muka. Haha. Comel. Nice, but sigh, too bad. I'm not ready yet to have anyone in my life. Not this soon. Probably, after 1 - 2 years, I'll find someone. I'm not that desperate anyway, honey.



I'm writing this with his sweater on my body. I hope he's still wearing mine, since we switched off before we broke up. Okay, enough about him. My head is heavy. I can't really think ahead now. And just now, he called, the savy guy, asking me whether I'm free or not tomorrow. And I ask why. And he said he wants to meet me since he kept on saying he's looking forward to meet me. I told him I'll think about it first. But you know, 99.9% I wont go. I'm tired. I just feel like staying home :)




Just now when I was in my lunch break, I sat in pantry, watching tv. " .. I know this movie. " I talked to myself. 20sec after that, I realized. This movie I've watched with him on my birthday last 2 years. Knocked up! Yes, I remember this movie. He loves this movie. Haha. Well, it doesn't matter now.



My back hurts, my stomach hurts. Fak. Suddenly my stomach feels like there's something cut my tummy into pieces with knife. Sumpah sakit. Damn. Ape nak jadi ni ha? Shit. I better go rest now. And see him in my dreams. Lol. Not funny.




Night.




- Nobody.
I need to throw this stress mode that he caused me for. I haven't check his blog and everything. I prefers not to know anything. I'm afraid if I do, I will know how happy he is with the girl. I can't bare the pain. So I prefer not to know anything. I'd give what he wants, a freedom. And he ask me not to find him, I did that too. I just don't want him to hate me. That's why I obeyed to what he said. But still, he hates me tho. Lol. Hey, at least, one msg/call. It's not wrong after all.

The Purple "Kurung".

I wore his favorite baju kurung today. Purple. He said I look good in purple. Well, used to. Sigh. I found myself dead today, I can't think of anything. My head is blank. But the common question is still in my head. " .. What is he doing right now? .. Talking to her through phones? " Maybe. I should push myself to forget him. I have back up guys that can replace him in any minute. But then, I can't. Heh.



I kept on swearing today. Even though I'm wearing baju kurung which people said I look sweet on it. I have to talk to the freaking customers that is so so so fucking rudeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I had a bad day today. Early in the morning, I've spoken with 3 freaking customers that is rude. Sigh. Why do i need this stress? If he's with me now, even as a friend, I believe I wont be this stressful. I'm tired. I need a vacation. Why a guy that told me that I'm his first love can suddenly went away? As far as I concern, people wont leave their first love.



What is he trying to tell me? That he's fine without me? Yes, I know that mista. I know you're doing fine without me, darling. I think I should do the same thing. I haven't ask anyone about him. It's been a week plus now. I know I shouldn't be worried about him now since there's someone is watching over him. But I think he won't blame me for having this little caring side on myself about him. He knows me well.


I'm trying to throw him away, yes I do. And I will, someday. But I really hope, soon, he will come back to me, even though as a friend. Who knows we can be bestfriends, maybe? :) I hoped. Sigh. I'm tired, just now while I was talking to the customer, I saw the mcd guy. He came to me and ask who is diana. And I said I don't have a clue. Right after he left, the smell of the fries hit my nose. God, I haven't eaten mcd since the Gaza case. Haha. How I missed eating mcd with him, sigh.


Before I left, there's a guy named Adam, talking to me. He's fine. And there was my friend, megan, waiting for me. So I said to Adam, I'm leaving and he said bye. When I reached to megan, suddenly he said, oh before that, Megan is a guy :) Haha! He said to me '' Adam is okay what? '' Then I look to him with this " ? " face. Then he repeated it again, " Yeah, the Adam guy, he's good la ". Then with spontaneous I said " How good the guy is pon, if he's not asking for my number, what for kan? " Haha. Then we both laughed. Yeah, I was joking :) Megan once asked me, what happened to me and my ex, and I said long story. And he said '' He's stupid for letting you go. Seriously from the way you were telling me about him, I can see that you do still want him back even after what he did to you which I didn't know because you did not telling me. Well, one thing lah, he's stupid. He shouldn't let go of this fine lady who is standing next to me right now. The loyal lady ". Sigh. I'm still not good enough Megan. Not good enough.



Again, I stood in front of his fav soya milk stall. I look at the road, how I missed wm. I haven't go out with friends since he left. I've been hiding myself in my room almost every minute. I just feel like I don't have anyone anymore. Stupid me, I have friends. But it's not enough. Well, it is enough, but there's something missing in my heart which can't be replaced or fill by anything or anyone. Ahh, too much saddy things.


He called me just now, not him. Not the " him " that I wanted, its another " him ". Well, he's fine fyi. He's driving savy, blue savy. He studied, uhh I forgot. In UIA. He's a year older than me. Great looks, great personalities, great background, bla². While we were talking to each other, suddenly he laughed. I ask why and he said " .. No, my friends ni. Nyanyi lagu I miss you like crazy by moffatts. " And I was like " Oh, and why did you laugh? " And he said " No, dorang tengah kena kan I. Dorang nyanyi sebab I tengah cakap dengan you ". Okay, seriously I don't get him. Haha never mind. Well one thing, I missed him :) Not him, the real him.



My friend rang me just now, asking me to out, for a dinner. And I said yes, but then actually I'm tired. I had a bad day like I told earlier. So I decided not to go. Hm. And they asked me, why I didn't sell the phones, like he did. And with a simple tone, and a simple answer, I said, '' Sentimental values ". Anyways, I found this one song tonight. It's really suits me now. Well, I just copy paste the lyrics. Enjoy.

I’m cold
I’m cold (Yeah)
I’m cold

Yeah
I got the right to put up a fight
but not quite cause you cut off my light
But my sight is better tonight and I might
See you in my nightmare
Oh how did you get there
Cause we were once a fairytale
But this is fair well

I got my life and its my only one
I got the night, I’m running from the sun
So goodnight, I made it out the door (door door door door)
After tonight, there will be no return
After tonight, I’m taking off on the road
I’m taking off on the road

And that you know (that you know)
Tell every one that you know
That I don’t love you no more
And that’s one thing that you know
That you know!

OK I’m back up on my grind
You, do you and I’m just gone do mine
You, do you cause I’m just gone be fine
OK I got you out my mind

The night is young, the drinks is cold
The stars is out, I’m ready to go
You always thought I was always wrong
Well know you know
Tell everybody everybody that you know
Tell everybody that you know
That I don’t love you no more
And that’s one thing that you know
That you know

I got the right to put up a fight
But not quite cause you cut off my light
But my sight is better tonight and I might
See you in my nightmare
Oh but how did you get there
Cause we were once a fairytale
But this is fair well yeaah

Baby girl I’m finished
I thought we were committed
I thought we were cemented
How I thought we meant it
Now we just forgetting
Now we just resenting
The clouds in my vision
Look how high I be getting
And it’s all because of you

Girl we through
You think your sh!t don’t stink but you are Mrs. P you
And I don’t see you with me no more
Now tell everybody that you know
That you know

That you know
Tell everybody that you know
That I don’t love you no more
And that’s one thing that you know
That you know
That you know
Tell everyone that you know
That I don’t love you no more
And that’s one thing that you know
That you know

Goodnight, Goodnight, I'll see you in my nightmares. Goodbye, my used to be everything.







- Nobody.
Thanks friends, for everything. Thanks for being angry to me each time he across in my head. I'll forget him now. I should. But then, still, deep inside my heart, I believe he is still the one. I hope, in 2 3 years time, we will meet, and starting everything back from the beginning . . I wished.

" If you love someone, set them free.

But If they come back, it's a true love "

I believe in that words. Well i hope he would come back to me. Sigh. I know you guys must probably don't know me. I'm nobody anyway :) I'm here to express what I felt. I've been keeping this thing in my heart for almost 2 weeks now. And it's killing me.

Warning; It's gonna be a long post.

It's been almost 2 weeks now. Without him in my life. Yes I know I'm stupid for still believing that he's the one for me when he doesn't even think of the same thing. I'm no one for him. I used to be his life, I used to be his gf, I used to be his wife, future wife, I used to be his another half, I used to be his everything. But now everything is different. I've been replaced by this one girl that he just know less than a month. " What does she have that I don't? " this question kept on repeating in my head. Haha. Yeah, pathetic. I know :)



I haven't cried for 1 week plus now. Yeah great, I'm strong right? Well guess what? While I'm typing this, my tears is rolling down. Sigh, I guess I'm not that strong after all. Heh. How can it be if before this I've always depending on my 4years ex bf? Gosh, I can't believe that he's my ex now. Never once in my mind I think of him as my ex. I've always always picture him as my future husband. The guy that I will marry to someday. Yes, until now. I know, silly me. Great.



I haven't eaten healthy foods these few weeks. I did not even touch rice. It's not that I don't want to eat, I can't. When I look at foods, I feel like vomiting. I've been kept what I felt to myself. I did not tell anyone. I've been pretending all this while. The truth is, I missed him so much. When I'm happy, I'll think of him. When I'm sad, I'll think of him. When I'm lonely, I'll think of him. Why must I think of someone who is currently happy with someone else? I heard almost every night he will call her. Everyday they will go out together. Everyday they will laugh and smile to each other. While me? He's totally ignored. Why must he hates me so much? Where did I go wrong? Where? Tell me. I'll improve myself. Aahhhhhh. Stop it, while I'm typing this, he's probably laughing with that girl, happy voice, happy moments.



People come and go, yes I know that. But when the feelings of love is fading away, there's always a way to make it back again. You just have to open your heart again, and believes in your heart that it will come back, and soon, it WILL come back. If you kept on saying NO, yes, it wont come back. I still remember the last day we met, he bought his fav soya bean milk, I was in the car alone. I talked to myself. " .. No it can't be. It can't end this way. It can't be this way.. " But I know there's nothing that I can do to stop him. It's his choice. I obey to it.



What will you guys do if someone that you love, yelled to you to back off and just go away from his/her life? What will you guys do if they said '' I choose her/him, not you! '' ? It hurts right? Herm. Yes people, he choose the girl instead of me. I know, I am so pathetic. I'd give him freedom. I'd sacrifice things when I told him it's okay to smoke, even though he knew that I have bad experience about cigarettes. But for him, I'd sacrifice. But still, it's not enough. He wants more. He wants to be single. But then, what's the real meaning of single if he's aiming for the next girl? I don't know why his love for me can be fades away so easily. This 4 loving years has already disappeared since 07th feb 2009. This date I shall remember always.



Today, I woke up with a big headache in my head. I took 4 pndls on monday, the next day I took another 4, after that I took 6, then 2, and today, I haven't taken pndls yet. Well, later maybe. The headache seems not going to be fade away. Plus, I have to talk to the freaking customers that always always always put me on the high level of stress. I think someday I WILL faint and get a brain tumor. Lol. You know what I really wish for now? I wish someday, some car will hit me and put me in ICU, comma, and the next day when I wake up, I can't remember anything. Even myself. That's cool hah? I wont remember anything including him. Then only I can be happy :")



Just now while I've waited for my neighbour, I stood in front of his fav soya bean milk stall. My eyes suddenly get watery. Haha. Yes, I think of him. When I get into the car, I look at outside. " .. This road, I still remember, when we both don't know where to go, he will drive everywhere til' we get hungry and buy ourselves a burger and eat at our fav park. But now, he's with someone else. And he's not even think of me. I'm nothing .. ". Yes, I'm crying now. I can't really think of what will happen next. Will he find me back? Will he just go and don't bother to be friends with me back? I'm clueless. Somehow, I miss his car.



Can someone come to me and say '' Everything will be okay, he will come back to you. Someday '' ? I don't know. I'm stupid. When I told people I missed him, they will get angry and ask me to forget him. I've TRIED! I CAN'T! I tried to hate him, seriously I do. But I can't. Maybe it's because I don't even plan to. Even he did me wrong, I don't blame him. He's not being himself now. I know him well, he's not being himself now. He can't think well now. It's okay, I'll wait for the day, when he will stand in front of my door, with flowers, and asking me to be his friend again. Haha. Okay okay, silly meeeeeeeee ;)) Stop daydream lah!



Have you heard about the flirty 10.30 at fly fm? Hee, I've always daydreaming that soon I will get calls from them and saying someone is asking me for a date. Wohoooo, and to make it more more happy, it's actually him! Haha :D But I know, it won't happen. He hates me now. You know why? Because my friends called his gf. Seriously I don't have anything to do with that. My friend ask for her number, I said no, I don't wanna make this thing bigger than its already are. They kept on begging me to give until they took my hp and took the numbers by their selves. I've deleted his number, but I forgot to delete his new gf's number. And now, he's hating me because of my friend's fault. See, because of that girl, he can hates me. Great. Sigh.



When I was in the LRT just now, I saw this couple, holding hands, happy. I feel lonely. I missed him so bad. I missed the way he hold my hands. So tight, so warm. When I reach to the next station, I saw another couple, hugging. Well, I missed his hug. His hug where it can make me feel safe. I swear I do. When I reach to the next station, I saw this couple, looks like they just got back from the tuition place, I sighed. I still remember back to 2006, we went to the same tuition places. We was so happy. Shit. Why can't I just roll out and be happy? Why must I suffered this alone?



I still remember the moment where his mom hugged me in the car. I felt welcomed. I felt I already has been accepted in his family. I still remember the moment where my dad told me he loves him. I still remember the moment where he called me just to say he love me. I still remember the moment where we seat in the car, teasing each other. His lips, my nose, my tummy, his teeth. Haha. I missed those moments. I'll pull down the windows if he farted. Even his silent fart, I can detected through my nose. Haha. Funny. I know :')



I admit, there's a guy approaching me to be his gf, but I rejected him. I can't. I still don't feel like having other guys in my life. And yes, there's 2 more guys came in my life. Trying to steal this lonely heart of mine, but still, I can't. There's no one can replace him, for now. But I know she's already replaced me in his heart. Hm :) Next march, it should be our 4 years being as a lover. But it won't happen since there's only me that is still hoping that we will have a chance to make it back on the right track. Why am I still hoping when he's already choose her instead of me? You know what guys? He swears lots of things to me because of her. And I don't know why he can believe on what she said when she told him I told her don't be with him because he's moneyless. Never once in my life, I go and tell people that he got no money and everything. I never ever ever care about the money that I've spent for him. To me, it's worth it as long as he's mine. Cause soon, he will pay me back when we both get married. And for now, I only ask for his loyalty. But then .. it's still not enough.



Guys, call me stupid, call me idiot, call me desperate. He told me once '' I know you're desperate to me, you can't live without me, so you're not a problem ''. OUCH, it's fucking hurt. But still, I don't blame him for saying that to me. I did what he ask me to do, which is don't disturb him and give him space to think. I gave him that. I was hoping if I gave what he ask for, he will at least call me and ask how am I doing. But still, there's no call from him. Even a '' hello '' msg. Yeah la, what for he nak bother about me when he have her in his life. Stupid buffalo la you ni! Oh no, it's not you. I was talking to myself :)



Guys kept on asking me, where's you boyfriend? Why he didn't fetch you? And when I said '' I'm single '', they will shocked. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Is my face showing like I'm taken? Hello! It's already been 2 weeks that I've been single! Haih ;X Well, I don't like being single. It sucks. I prefers to have someone in my life, asking me not to go out, go eat, don't fall for other guy, don't do that, do this for him, blabla². Ahhhhhh I missed him. Bloody hell lah. Haha :)



I missed his face, I missed his voice, I missed his laugh, I missed his smile, I missed his smell. I missed his pretty eyes, I missed his flabby tummy, I missed his big cute teeth, I missed his lips, I missed his hug the most, I miss himself the most. I'm listening to songs right now. And right now, it's samson '' Kenangan terindah '' :') Seriously guys, I'm weak. I'm not that strong. I've failed. I've failed lots of people that has already put high hopes on me that I'm going to be okay. I walk weakly everyday.



I smiled, I laughed, people told me I look cute when I'm smiling <-- ayat poyo la kan? :P . But even though I make myself busy, there's a huge hole in my heart that is missing and cannot be found. He took it from me, and he did not give it back. He's cruel, because he kept it with him. From the way he acted, I know he's fine without me. I know he did not even plan to find me back someday. I know he did not even THINK of me even once. He threw our rings, to make it more worst, he ask the girl to threw it. He changed his bracelet. He changed his necklace. Everything. For her. Why must she came in his life? Why? Am I still the one for him? Absolutely no. Why must I ask something when the answers I already know?



I missed watching him playing footballs, I missed wiping his sweats using my shirt and give him a peck on his cheek. I missed kissing him, I missed hugging him. My heart never stops from beating fast since the day I knew I am going to lose him. I've lost someone whom I love more than myself. I know I don't have looks, I know I'm fat. I'm not perfect, neither you are. But once we was happily together. I know you can find the love that has been missing for now, back. Someday. I believe. But you kept on saying no.



Dear god, please give me strength to face this cruelty of world alone. Even so I need him with all my heart, I can't force him. I'll kept on praying for him to come back, even as a friend. Because I prefer having him as a friend, than just totally lost him. At least I can know he's fine, at least I can know he's already take his meals, and his sinus and everything. Herm. Dah terbiasa risau pasal dia. Even now, I still told my friends, I'm worried about his studies, I'm worried about his health. Dia da la kalau bersin, tak boleh stop. Huhu. See, why lah I should be worried?



Tonight, I'm wearing his shirt. I sleep in my room with his pillow next to me. I haven't hug it since the first day he left. I missed hugging the pillow. But I know, if I hug it, it will feels like I'm hugging him. The real him. God, I missed wearing our rings. I missed everything that can make me feel safe of having him in my life. I missed the feelings of me feeling secured knowing he'll be there when I need someone. I just .. missed him badly.



I don't know the real reasons of this happened. But I hope this is just a test for us before we get back together. See, I'm still hoping he would come back to me. I know it's wrong. Grrrh. Supposedly I go out with this one guy tonight, but I don't feel like meeting anyone but him. My used to be boyfriend. It's okay, I'll keep on praying :) And I love this word so much '' If you believe in something, keep believing, stick to it, it won't let you down ''. Well I hope it wont let me down! I'll wait for the day when he will call me and ask to be my friend. Aku tak berdendam pape pun kat dia. Tah la. I know 100% he's fine without me. Ahhhhhhh fucked up lah.



I took lots of photos yesterday, but I did not know to whom should I give it to. Usually I'll mms to him, but now . . Nevermind. I'll keep it to myself :) Well before I go to bed, I wish him a happy life ahead, and I hope, someday, he will find me back, even though not as a lover, but as a friend. The A - N shall never re-united back, according to his acting of never ever want me back in his life. A - N will only be memories. Well I wish, just a silly wish, A - N can be re-united again. Not now maybe, but someday. Insyallah. I still want to marry him, having kids with him, everything with him. Maybe not now, maybe later. Just maybe, sighed. Or maybe, someday I will say it out loud, I'm going to be fine without him in my life. And yes, maybe that time, I am okay without him in my life. Heh. I don't know. Anyways, thanks for reading this crap guys. And try to listen goodnight by maroon 5. He dedicate that song to me. The only different is, the guy in the video clip, is still with his current gf, but me, my guy left. And go to other girl. How I wish he's doing the same thing like the guy did. Well, I'm off. I'll continue later. Bye.






To the guy whom I used to had but lost to another girl, I love you so much, and I'm not blaming you for doing this to me. I hope someday, you will read this and will find me back, even as a friend. . I'll wait for that day to come. Insyallah.






- Nobody.
Thanks friends for being there when I need him the most. Thanks for all the support. Sorry if I make you guys down. I don't mean it. Blame my heart then.